The Present Age

Share this post
Can I Interest You In The 1999 Cleveland Browns?
www.readtpa.com

Can I Interest You In The 1999 Cleveland Browns?

This post may or may not actually be about the Cleveland Browns... or football, generally.

Parker Molloy
Dec 19, 2022
56
13
Share this post
Can I Interest You In The 1999 Cleveland Browns?
www.readtpa.com

December 19, 1999,

Hey there! You like football? Well, I’ve got a team for you!

The Cleveland Browns! Rich on history, the Cleveland Browns were founded in 1944 by businessman Arthur McBride and Paul Brown, who served as the team’s first coach. From 1946 to 1949, the Browns dominated the short-lived All-America Football Conference with four straight championships and a record of 47 wins, four losses, and three ties. In 1950, the Browns joined the NFL, and immediately won another championship, a feat the team would repeat in 1954, 1955, and 1964!

Cleveland Browns quarterback Otto Graham carries the ball during the 1950 NFL Championship game against the Los Angeles Rams. The Browns won 30-28. Photo via Bettmann / Getty Images.

The Browns were the home of legends like Jim Brown, Otto Graham, Bobby Mitchell, Paul Warfield, Ozzie Newsome, and Leroy Kelly, among others! Truly a fantastic group of players and one reason fans love cheering on this team with its rich history of highs, lows, and everything in-between!


Hey! You! If you’ve got a second, please consider becoming a subscriber. Free or paid, it’s a big help!


Are you ready to join a passionate and dedicated fanbase that bleeds orange and brown? You’re in luck! The Cleveland Browns have some of the most loyal and passionate fans in the entire league. From training camp to the Dawg Pound, Browns fans are always ready to support their guys!

Running back Jim Brown is seen here carrying the ball during the 1958 NFL season. He played for the Browns between 1957 and 1965. Photo by Focus on Sport/Getty Images)

Now, I know some of you may have questions, with the team that most recently called itself the Cleveland Browns having packed up and moved to Baltimore a few years back. Aren’t they the Browns? No, they’re the Baltimore Ravens, who are a completely different team who just happen to have a bunch of the same guys on it as the Browns did back in 1995. Weird, right? But they’re not the Cleveland Browns and they never were. See? Simple!

Wait, where are you going? Come back.

But hey, guess what? In a couple years’ time, you’re going to get to see Art Modell — yeah, the guy who bought the Browns back in the 1960s, that Art Modell — accept the Lombardi trophy, commemorating his franchise’s first ever Super Bowl win! How cool is that? Or, I guess it would be if Modell owned the Browns, but he doesn’t; he owns the Ravens, who, again, are not the Browns. Totally different teams, no clue why this is so confusing to people.

Super Bowl XXXV, Baltimore Ravens owner Art Modell (C) victorious with Vince Lombardi trophy, NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue (R), and Ravens coach Brian Billick (L) after winning game vs New York Giants, Tampa, FL 1/28/2001 (Photo by John Biever/Sports Illustrated via Getty Images)

And yeah, sure, the Ravens are going to win six division championships and two Super Bowls since 2000. That’s cool and all, but I’m not here to tell you about the Baltimore Ravens. I’m here to tell you about the Cleveland Browns!

The Cleveland Browns! Who needs Super Bowls or consistency when you have a rich history that isn’t actually tied to the team?

Which team has had 34 different starting quarterbacks since 1999? That’s right: the Browns — that’s who! And by becoming a fan of these 1999 Browns, you’ll get the chance to see them all. I’m talking about Tim Couch, Ty Detmer, Doug Pederson, Spergon Wynn, Kelly Holcomb, Jeff Garcia, Luke McCown, Trent Dilfer, Charlie Frye, Derek Anderson, Brady Quinn, Ken Dorsey, Bruce Gradkowski, Colt McCoy, Jake Delhomme, Seneca Wallace, Brandon Weeden, Thad Lewis, Jason Campbell, Brian Hoyer, Johnny Manziel, Connor Shaw, Josh McCown, Austin Davis, Cody Kessler, Robert Griffin III, DeShone Kizer, Kevin Hogan, Baker Mayfield, Tyrod Taylor, Case Keenum, Nick Mullens, Jacoby Brissett, and Deshaun Watson!

Tim Couch of the Cleveland Browns is on the ground after being sacked during the game against the Cincinnati Bengals at Paul Brown Stadium in Cleveland, Ohio. The Bengals won 24-7. DIGITAL IMAGE. Mandatory Credit: Tom Pidgeon/Allsport

From the two win and 14 loss low of the 1999 season to the zero win and 16 loss lower of the 2017 season, you’ll have front row seats to see one of the most consistently terrible performances by a professional sports franchise! For fun, the team will crawl into the playoffs about once per decade.

This is a fanbase you’ll be proud to be a part of! Like this guy, seen here at a 2022 game, having the time of his life!

A fan dressed as a clown looks on before the start of the game between the Cincinnati Bengals and the Cleveland Browns at FirstEnergy Stadium on October 31, 2022 in Cleveland, Ohio. (Photo by Nick Cammett/Getty Images)

One way you can help me spread the word about The Present Age is by sharing this post via email or on your social network site of choice.

Share


Okay, I’ll come clean: this post isn’t actually about the Cleveland Browns, the Baltimore Ravens, or football.

It’s about [extended sigh] Twitter. (Sorry, I know I’ve been writing about Twitter quite a bit lately, but the place is truly a dumpster fire that I can’t look away from, even as I try to use it much less often.)

You know those little blue checkmarks? The ones weird people on the right have pointed to for years to smear people as being “liberal elitists?” (Most bizarrely, even when they, too, have a blue checkmark next to their names.)

In reality, having a blue checkmark next to your name just meant that at some point in the past decade or so, someone at Twitter took the time to verify your identity (which meant sending Twitter a copy of your driver’s license or another form of ID) and decided that you were notable in some small way. Yes, celebrities had these checkmarks (which were initially rolled out to prevent people from impersonating celebrities), but so did journalists, politicians, and really anyone who found themselves in the news for one reason or another. It didn’t come with additional benefits, just an acknowledgment that the person was notable in their field and that Twitter had verified their identity. That’s it.

Even so, the “blue check” boogeyman had been created, which led to millionaires and billionaires with massive amounts of power insisting that someone getting paid $200 for a Salon.com blog post was somehow the “real” elite. It was an embarrassing time — but not nearly as embarrassing as what would come next.

In comes billionaire and right-wing troll Elon Musk. After buying Twitter, he decides to revamp the verification process a bit. And by “revamp,” I mean “destroy."

Desperate to make money after grossly overpaying for Twitter, Musk decides that anyone with $8 and a credit card could get one of these (supposedly coveted) blue checkmarks. Oh, and the whole “verifying your identity” thing? Twitter under Musk was just going to skip that part. Surely, this would work out fine.

Oops! Looks like not verifying people’s identities had a very predictable consequence: impersonators. This was, you may recall, the exact thing that the checkmark system was supposed to prevent. Great work, dude. But rather than simply reimplementing the verification aspect of things, Musk decides to create an additional type of checkmark for brands: a gold checkmark!

This is what the gold checkmark looks like. Via Twitter.

Blue checkmarks used to mean that the user had their identity verified by Twitter, but now it just means that people were foolish enough to pay Musk $8 per month to use the site known for the running “I can’t believe this site is free” joke. People who had the blue checkmarks before still have them (for the moment, but that’s supposed to change in the near future), but when you click on their profile, you’ll see the hilariously petty description, “This is a legacy verified account. It may or may not be notable.”

The whole thing has been a mess. The blue checkmark, which was created to verify the identity of notable users, now doesn’t mean that the person tweeting is actually the person they say they are; the gold checkmark is now used for brands that have had their identities verified by Twitter. And now he’s trying to sell regular people on the meaningless blue checkmark.

He’s selling you on becoming a fan of the 1999 Cleveland Browns.

1
Please ignore the Ravens over there with their gold check.

Screenshot of the Ravens Twitter account.

tl;dr:

I made this in After Effects. Enjoy.

Share

1

This whole post was made all in good fun. As a fan of the Chicago Bears, I know a thing or two about rooting for frequently terrible football teams. Good luck out there, Browns fans!

13
Share this post
Can I Interest You In The 1999 Cleveland Browns?
www.readtpa.com
13 Comments
Alex
Dec 19, 2022Liked by Parker Molloy

I upgraded to a paid account just to say how much I love this <3

calling Twitter the Cleveland Browns of social media, I don't see how they recover 😄

Expand full comment
ReplyCollapse
1 reply by Parker Molloy
ennis mckelvie
Dec 19, 2022Liked by Parker Molloy

Thank you sincerely for the laugh on what's otherwise been a very dreary-feeling Monday <3

Expand full comment
ReplyCollapse
11 more comments…
TopNewCommunity

No posts

Ready for more?

© 2023 Parker Molloy
Privacy ∙ Terms ∙ Collection notice
Start WritingGet the app
Substack is the home for great writing